


I Don't Know Anything

by Silveriss



Category: Original Work
Genre: Best friend's friend, Confusion, Existential Crisis, F/F, Femslash, Freckles, Friendship, Neither of them has a name, POV First Person, Romance, Sapphic, Short, coming out to yourself, park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 00:53:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7384498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveriss/pseuds/Silveriss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't know anything.<br/>The title kind of says it all.<br/>I don't know anything but I thought I knew some things about me, at least, until an hour ago.<br/>An hour ago, I realized I don't know anything about myself either.</p><p> Trigger Warning: a mild panic attack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Know Anything

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, you.  
> I was listening to "Crazy" and "Shadows" by Au Revoir Simone, and the next thing I know I was writing a short one-shot.
> 
> Enjoy!

I don't know anything.

The title kind of says it all.

I've always distantly known that I don't know anything.

But I thought I knew some things about me, at least, until an hour ago.

An hour ago, I realized I don't know anything about myself either.

An hour ago, I realized I needed to go and lock myself in my room.

An hour ago, I realized I needed to lie on the floor and think about myself. About life. About feelings. About others.

A little before an hour ago, I wasn't home. I was in a place that's almost home. I was at a friend's home. My best friend's friend's home. I was at a friend's home and I was having a good time, and I thought I knew some things about myself, and I wasn't lying on the floor, and there weren't so many questions whirling in my head.

A little before an hour ago, I was having a great time with my friend and everything was fine. We were laughing and chatting, her eyes were lit and her freckles sparkling like a sea of stars. Her eyes were lit and everything was fine.

A little before an hour ago, I was in my friend's bedroom feeling at home, sitting cross-legged on her carpet, talking about all sorts of things. And I was happy that my best friend wasn't here. It wasn't a feeling I was used to feel, but it wasn't a feeling I was _not_ used to feel, either. Everything was fine and my best friend wasn't here with us like they usually are when we see each other, me and her. Because she's my best friend's friend, but also my friend now.

But is she?

We were having a great time: hilarious conversation, comfortable floor, homely bedroom, friendship.

Except we were having a great time: eyes gazing into eyes, warmth in my heart, static in my fingers.

We were having a great time but: her beautiful lips moving, our knees touching, too much space between us.

An hour ago, I felt the urge to close that space.

So, I left.

I didn't say anything and I left, left her calling after me in her room, left her running after me, left her home and slammed the door after me to shut her away from me. I left her and she opened the door and shouted, but I was running and I wasn't hearing. I shut her away and she tried to call in anyway, tried to call many times, left messages I didn't listen to because I couldn't hear, sent messages I didn't open because I couldn't see.

An hour ago I felt the urge to close the space between us, so I put miles and doors between us. A little before an hour ago I was more than fine and laughing, an hour ago I was shaking and crying. A little before an hour ago I felt warm and static, an hour ago I felt pain and panic.

Now I feel calm and confusion. Now I feel lost and peaceful. Now I'm lying in my room and thinking.

Now I know I don't know anything, not even about myself.

But maybe I can try to learn.

A couple hours later I don't read her texts, but I send her one. I send her:

**[To: Freckles] meet me tomorrow at 10am at the park**

I don't read her answer because I turn my cell phone off and go to bed.

I don't sleep well.

In the morning when I wake up, it's 9am. It's 9am and I'm tired. I'm tired but I'm calm.

I'm calm until I find out it's 9am and I have to see her in an hour.

I dress up. My hair is weird because I took a shower last night and slept on it as it was wet. I like having weird hair. It's like a bird nest. I don't brush or untangle them. I dress up and make myself a coffee. It's burning hot but delicious.

Time is ticking from the kitchen clock.

Sun is flowing through the wide window.

My heart is beating with the clock, but soothed by the sun.

I get out of my home at 9:50am.

Birds are chirping and sun shining, trees shading and sun lighting. The air smells like morning and the beginning of summer.

At 9:58am I reach the park and everything is quiet.

At 9:58am I reach the park and lift myself on the fence.

At 9:59am I'm swinging my legs and looking at the sky, and my heart is beating low and clear.

At 10:00am I check the time on my phone and put it back in my pocket. When I look up, I see her walking on my side of the road. She sees me too and doesn't smile.

At 10:01am she's in front of me and I get off the fence. Her eyes are bright brown, beautiful. Her eyes are bright brown but not lit.

I say "Hello" and she stares at me. I point at the inside of the park and she follows me down the path. Her hair is red like an angry fire. Her freckles are fierce.

She's following me down the path and at 10:03am, we get off the path. I sit in the grass. She sighs and sits in front of me. Our knees aren't touching. Birds are chirping, sun shining.

At 10:04am I look into her eyes.

My heart is beating in my throat. My heart is beating in my fingers. My heart is breaking my ribcage.

I open my mouth and only breaths come out. Short, sharp breaths. Broken breaths. I swallow and shut my mouth. I swallow and dig my nails into my jeans, into my thighs. She frowns.

She frowns and I think she's worried. She opens her mouth and I panic. I panic and lift a hand in the space between us. I stop her. She's frowning.

At 10:06am I take a deep breath and straighten my back.

At 10:06am I dive into her eyes and start to speak.

My heart is breaking its cage.

I start to speak and I tell her: that I'm sorry, that I panicked, that I couldn't hear or see.

I start to speak and I tell her: how her laugh sings, how her freckles sparkle, how her eyes shine.

I start to speak and I tell her: that her bedroom's home, that she's beautiful, that the space between us is too wide.

I start to speak and I tell her everything but I just tell her: "I love you."

At 10:19am we're lying in a sea of space between us is filled with static and warmth. The space between us is not a space anymore.

At 10:20am we're chuckling in a sea of green. Her hand is fire against my cheek, her freckles are soft stars against my hand. Her scent is embracing me with home and freedom.

At 10:21am we're kissing in a sea of green. I don't know anything still, about myself, about life, about feelings, about others… or even about love.

I don't know anything still, but I'm learning.

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think of this kind of writing? Is it appropriate? Is it readable? Please consider writing a review to let me know! It would brighten my day. ;D
> 
> Have a wonderful life, and see you (hopefully) soon ~


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